Don't Touch a Girl's Things Without Her Permission!
by EmeraldNorth
Summary: Toushiro Hijikata had it all planned out. He knew exactly how he was going to get the recruits to join the Shinsengumi this year. So why are a silver-haired sugar addict, a pissed off Yato and a sadist with a death wish ruining everything? [One-shot; OkiKagu]


"Do you morons think you have what it takes?!"

"Yes, sir!"

"Do you have the shoulders to bear the responsibility?!"

"Yes, sir!"

"Do you have the heart to protect the law?!"

"YES, SIR!"

"Good." Toshiro Hijikata, Demon Vice-Chief of the Shinsengumi, smirked at the rows and rows of potential recruits standing in front of him. They stood stiff and uniform, sharing the proper mindset right from the start.

"Oh, it's that time of the year again." Sougo Okita yawned from behind him, red sleeping mask draped half-way across his face.

"Goddamnit, Sougo! Can you at least show some discipline in front of the recruits?" Hijikata pressed out through gritted teeth.

"Whaaaaat? You mean after you went through all that trouble of reading those books on motivation it's still not going to go as you planned?" The first division captain mock-gasped.

"Straighten out your act or get the fuck out." A seething Vice-Chief hissed at his subordinate.

"Don't worry, I'm already on my way." Okita waved at the baffled youths who were lined up.

Hijikata let out a relieved sigh. One problem less to deal with.

He turned back to the recruits, ignoring the hushed whispers and murmurs that were making their way around the room. He took a deep breath to calm himself down.

"Alright then, we'll start off with some spars. Don't worry if you're still inexperienced, we just need to know what your current stand-point is." He encouraged the many youths as they changed into their sparring outfits and picked up the bamboo swords.

After countless sparring, there was one candidate who stood above all others by a long shot. He skillfully landed hit after hit after hit, never losing a single match. Hijikata went up to him, patted his shoulder as a reward, and praised him.

"You have extraordinary talent, my boy. You'll go a long way in the Shinsengumi." Hijikata popped a cigarette in his mouth and lit it, pleased with himself. They'd have at least one capable swordsman in the new batch. At least that's what he thought.

"I know that I'm good and all, but that's not why I'm here." The candidate spoke in a deadpan voice and popped a lollipop into his mouth.

"Wait a minute,…" A vein popped above the Vice-Chief's head. "What the fuck are you doing here, bastard?" He tore the mask off the man's face, revealing a mop of silver hair and crimson dead-fish-like eyes.

"Why do you automatically assume I want to do something bad?" The samurai crossed his arms and gave the Vice-Chief a stern look. "This is harassment, I dare say."

"Why I assume…? In case you haven't noticed, every time you do something, it. Never. Ends. Well!" He shouted into the Yorozuya's ear.

"Oi, oi, Mayora, have some mayo and calm down." The silver-haired sugar addict produced a mayonnaise bottle from hammer space and squirted it into the Vice-Chief's face.

"I'm going to kill you, BASTARD!" Hijikata seethed as his hands found their way to the hilt of his katana and he was about to draw his blade when Gintoki intervened.

The whispers broke out again as the recruits mumbled and conspired what might be happening.

"Now, now, you have to set a good example since your Chief isn't going to since he's currently under the floor boards of the Shimura dojo and your First Squad Captain will be lucky to survive the day."

Another wave of mumbles.

"What are you talking about?" Hijikata asked with a twitching eyebrow.

"Well, this morning when I went to tell Pattsuan that Kagura-chan and I would be busy the whole day I kind of stepped on his face on the way out."

"I'm not talking about Kondo-san being an idiot, I want to know what Sougo has to do with this!"

"Oh right!" Gintoki's eyes lit up in realization. "That's why I'm here!"

"I'm waiting to hear your answer." The Vice-Chief grunted after a pregnant pause.

"I came here to see Souichirou-kun be beat up." The silver-haired samurai said as if it was the most normal thing to say.

Hijikata sighed in defeat. "What did he do this time?"

"He confiscated Kagura's hair ornaments and sukonbu yesterday evening." Gintoki stated while picking his nose. He inspected his booger and flicked it off to the side.

Meanwhile, Hijikata was growing more and more enraged with every second. "I'm gonna make that fucking bastard commit seppuku one hundred fold." He said deathly calm. Then he turned to the recruits who were starting to feel uneasy.

And smiled at them.

"In our business, we encounter Amanto every now and then. Sometimes we have to engage them in combat. First Squad Captain Okita is now going to demonstrate how _not_ to deal with the situation."

The recruits looked at each other, suddenly fearing the black-haired man to an inch of their lives.

On cue, the wall behind the Vice-Chief, who didn't even flinch at the notion, collapsed as a sandy-haired individual in a Shinsengumi uniform skidded over the floor, surrounded by the shattered remains of the thin wall.

The recruits gasped and huddled together and got the fuck out of the way.

Soon enough, with agonizingly slow steps, a figure appeared in the hole through which the man had just flown through.

Said man wiped the blood from the corner of his mouth and stood up on shaky legs.

"Damnit, China." He muttered. "Overreacting much?"

"I'm not overreacting, yes?" The dust cleared as the figure stepped into the room, revealing a female, humanoid, pissed off Yato. She wore a two-part outfit, a red top that barely reached her mid-drift and a skirt with high slits on the side, along with thigh-high boots.

A few of the recruits desperately tried to hide their bleeding noses.

Her hair fell just past her shoulders, open without any hairstyle of any kind, save for the goggles propped on her head.

"Let me show you overreacting, yes." She seethed calmly.

Her form became a flash and the next thing they knew she was pounding their captain through the training room floor boards. At some point Okita had managed to draw his sword but all his strikes were blocked by a sturdy purple umbrella.

And before they knew it, his sword slid across the floor (or rather the remains of the floor), coming to a halt in front of them.

Kagura had her umbrella pointed at the sandy-haired captain point blank, not one bit of hesitation on her face.

"Give them back." She demanded in a voice that left no room for arguing. Not that Okita was going to comply to that.

"Hey, I'm the one who should be ordering you around." He smirked at her.

She used her umbrella to slap him across his face. "Give them back." She repeated with a death glare.

He spit some blood on the floor and clicked his tongue. "Always resorting to violence straight away, ugly china monster."

Another slap, but this time from the other side. "What's wrong, Sadist?" She asked with mock concern. "Why are behaving like an M right now, yes?" She taunted.

"Oi, Kagura-chan." Gintoki intervened. She looked up at her surrogate father. "Don't kill him. At least not here, it's a bit too difficult to fake evidence at the police station."

"As if you've ever cared about that, Boss." Okita chuckled, only to be met with Kagura's boot pushing his face into the ground.

"I'll say it one last time: Give them back."

"As If I'd do th-" He was interrupted by an effective stomp on his head.

The recruits watched in fear and silence as the captain fell unconscious and the scantily clad girl shrugged his black coat off his shoulders and walked over to the silver-haired candidate from just now.

"Gin-chan." On command, the samurai held out his hands. The girl started rummaging through the inner pockets of the captain's coat and stacked boxes of weird green stuff in the older man's hands. At the very end she pulled out two gold-black bun covers and right then and there, braided parts of her hair to put the ornaments in.

She stared at the group of people huddled together in the back corner of the room. She pointed at them. "Oi, Mayora. Who're those people, yes?"

"O-our new recruits." He whispered.

"Oh." She turned to them. "Don't join the first division, yes." She flashed them a smile and gave them a thumbs up.

Then she threw Okita's jacket over her shoulders and walked out of the headquarters, a silver-haired samurai trailing after her.

Once they were gone, a brave recruit dared to ask the question on everybody's minds. "Who were those two?"

"A breathing, living nightmare." He empathically stated as he put two cigarettes into his mouth at the same time and lit both.

* * *

 **AN: I still had this sitting around, so here you go. Let me know what you thought :)**

 **TimeSkip!Kagura btw (but only appearance-wise).**

 **~Emi**


End file.
